Monday, December 21, 2009
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Recovery is what likely scares most people. I think I am one of the few people in this world that has a screwed up pain sensory system in my body. So far I have had an easy recovery, much like I did with Kyle, but this time easier in many ways. For instance, I had a belly wrap. It is a big elastic band that you wrap tightly around your mid-section for support. My abs got a few extra days of rest because of that baby. I was not afraid to sneeze or cough and I really did not have any pain at all because of moving the 'wrong' way. I was able to stop taking my pain medication after only 9 days, which is amazing in my opinion.
At this point, much of my swelling is gone and I can feel where they stitched me up on the inside. It is strange, but I am OK with that. Today I went for a walk around the park with my boys and I jogged just a bit to see if I could. Well, I could, but I should not. I will try to stick to doctor's orders and wait until I am 6 weeks pp, but to actually feel like I want to run is a big deal. I know I am done having kids and I want to try to get my old body back.
All I can say is wish me luck.
When you only have one child your heart is full of, well, them. My heart was full of Kyle- full of his smiles, his laughter, his boo-boos, his triumphs, his aggravations, his entire world. Of course my heart also holds love for Larabee and other members of my family, but Kyle truly was my world. His well-being, his education, and his daily care was in my hands much of the time, so his little life encompassed mine.
When I found out I was pregnant last spring I never went through the worry or concern that I would not have room in my heart for another child. I know that everyone says your heart grows and your capacity for love grows, and I just believed in that.
Now that Kaleb is here I can say with all honesty that 'they' were right. There is always room in your heart for more love. I cherish the memories I have with Kyle, especially since was our first and our only for nearly two years. I love that I have gotten to watch him grow and learn and become the awesome little man he is today, but I am also very much looking forward to watching my two boys grow and learn and become awesome young men. I search every day for Kaleb's first smile, I wait every day for Kyle to say "Kaleb" with greater clarity. Every night Kyle kisses Kaleb on the head before he goes to bed, and I love seeing that. It is almost as if the love is built in from the beginning, which it perhaps is. God has granted Larabee and I with two little boys and has entrusted us with their care. That is not a job I take lightly, and while I know it will be a challenge I also know it will hold the greatest rewards.
My boys, Kyle and Kaleb, as one of your favorite books says, "I love you as much as a mother can love."
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
I know that we are giving you a wonderful gift, the gift of a sibling and a lifelong friend. I also know that we are taking you out of the spotlight, which you adore. Life is about changing and adapting though, and I know that you are really excellent at both, so my worries are few.
I sit here and reflect on what an amazing child you are and simply cannot believe that less than 2 years ago you were a newborn who mystified and terrified me. How did you go from goo-goos and ga-gas to running like the wind, talking up a storm, and being a caring little man? A few weeks ago you asked me if it hurt leaves when they fall off the trees! That amazed me! You are beyond polite, which makes me look good, but to tell you the truth that is just how you are. You are fantastic at pointing out your feelings and you get over things very easily. You are so laid back most of the time, which is strange because you are also as busy as can be! Most people cannot believe that you are not even 2 yet because you carry yourself so well and just act mature. You listen most of the time too, which is quite astonishing. I could go on and on about the things that you do every day that amaze me. I am so looking forward to watching you grow and blossom even more.
In a few short days you will go from being an only child to being a big brother. I know you will be great at your new role in life and that you will be a wonderful helper to your Mama. I love you more than words can ever express, with a love that you will only be able to understand when you become a father someday. It is endless and bottomless and can never founder. And you, my son, are amazing.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Monday, November 16, 2009
Fast forward to today. There are so many people on the streets of SLC that we have become numb to their begging. I often wonder if that particular person is really in need or if they have made a business out of begging, because (unfortunately) some have. I think about the fact that Larabee goes to a job every day that he does not particularly like to support his family the best he can and cannot justify giving away his hard-earned money to someone who may very well go home to a 3 bedroom house. I feel so jaded.
We do have one man who is at home on the Taco Bell lawn a few blocks away. We have dubbed him "Hagrid" because, well, he looks like Hagrid from Harry Potter. He is big, burly, hairy and wild-eyed. In the months that we have been here I have NEVER seen him begging or holding a sign. He walks back and forth between the Taco Bell and who knows where every day with all of his worldly possessions on his back. I wonder about him. Is he mentally unstable? Is he dealing with a drug or alcohol addiction? What was he like as a young child? Does he have any family? Is there anyone out there who knows his name and cares about him? For some reason he does not scare me, though I do not think I would approach him while pregnant or if I had children with me. I would like to see if he is 'all there' though, and see what happened in his life to lead him down this path. I guess my heart goes out to him because he makes his way in life without asking of others while others ask far too much when they are capable of so much more.
Every time I think about "Hagrid" I am thankful that, no matter what circumstances may fall upon me in my life, I will never be homeless. I know that I have family that would help me, and I also know that I am pretty self-reliant. I know I have been given the skills to keep me off of the streets. That is a pretty big thing if you think about it. I am thankful that Larabee is a good provider and that he does so selflessly. I am, in general, thankful.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Loaded with this information Larabee and I decided that we would plan on being down there at 6:30. We figured that there might be a bit of a line, but surly not much of one. Boy were we wrong! We got down there at 6:30 on the dot and there was a line around the building and down the street at that point! There must have been people that were there for hours and hours before we got there. I decided at that point that parking might be an issue so I basically kicked Larabee out of the car and told him to get in line because there were droves of people coming from all directions and I definitely did not want to be behind more people than I had to be behind. I drove around for about 10 minutes before I finally found a parking spot, but found one a couple of blocks away. Kyle and I hiked down to where Larabee was waiting and there were at least 200 people already in line behind him. Good thing I kicked him out!
At 7, when they started letting people in to receive the shots, we figured out how slowly things were going to move. Silly Mama that I am, I figured it would not be a big deal and we would get through quickly, so I failed to grab the stroller out of the car. Kyle was a cuddle bug today, and was being incredibly good, but he only wanted me. Not Daddy. Me. After about 45 minutes my back simply could not take it and I hiked back to the car for the stroller and necessary keep-the-boy-occupied supplies. When I got back to Larabee and Kyle they had not moved an inch, and I was gone for over 20 minutes. So we waited. Kyle watched what was going on around him. And we waited.
At about 8 I decided I was hungry and hiked the 4 blocks to 7-11 and got some grub for us and some coffee (decaf because we are both being good). When I got back the line had move but not a ton. So we waited. And waited. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, we got to the door. They tried to tell us that Larabee could not get vaccinated because he was not caring for a child under the age of 6 months NOW. So I sorta kinda fibbed and said I was due any day. He got the shot after I said that! At 10:30 we walked out of the building. So, it took us 4 hours to get these stupid little shots that may or may not have been necessary. I guess it is done now, but boy my feet hurt and I am exhausted!
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Now, for this big boy the tractor is not so much fun. Or at least, he claims that it isn't. Yeah right. I do not believe you at all. Especially when you get to introduce your adorable son to the wonders of a tractor. Ahh, the joy of being a Daddy.
And for this little boy, what on earth is he thinking? He looks....mischievous. He looks.......like he is doing something wrong. He looks...... like his Daddy. Ahh, the joy of being a Mommy.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
I can almost guarantee that everyone over the age of 10 remembers what they were doing that fateful day. Since we live on the West coast it was fairly early in the morning when the first plane hit. I am not, have never been, and will likely never be a morning person. I was in my Senior year of High school and throughout my high school career had figured out exactly what time I needed to get up to hurriedly get ready for school and make it to class by the second bell. Yes, the second bell, not the first bell. My mom woke me up way too early because she told me I needed to come watch the news. Most mornings I would have simply rolled over and gone back to sleep, but for some reason, that morning I got right out of bed.
Just like everyone else, we were watching the footage of the first plane hitting over and over and the newscasters were speculating about what could have gone wrong and how many people were hurt or killed. All of a sudden, on live TV, a second plane hit. At that moment you could almost hear the whole country gasp in shock. It is amazing that you have no idea what is going on but your gut feeling tells you it is just not good.
I was fortunate enough to grow up in a world without gangs or bar fights. I grew up in a world of relative peace, and for that I can thank my parents. I knew what terrorism was from school books and the news. I always thought that terrorism was driven by some kook who had an agenda and thought that the only way they could get people to listen was to do something crazy. I still think I am not far from the truth. Even me in all my innocence knew what was going on that day.
I watched TV until I needed to leave for school, listened to the radio the whole way in, and when I got to school every TV in every classroom was following the story. I had Dr Crowder that morning and we were supposed to have a test (if I remember correctly). We watched the news instead and talked about our views of what was going on.
Just because we were thousands of miles away from Ground Zero does not mean we felt the shock or pain any less. Most of us did not have family members who were in New York, but we knew that a lot of people in the country did. We, just like the rest of the country, felt a great sense of helplessness.
I will never forget that day, even though its affect on my life was not nearly as personal as the pregnant women who lost their husbands that day, or those babies who were born into life without fathers. It was not as personal as a mother in the Midwest receiving the dreaded call that her beloved son or daughter had been found but had not been found alive. It was not as personal as the many firefighters and police officers and volunteers who spent weeks searching through the rubble, knowing that there was no hope for those still trapped inside the wreckage. My heart still goes out to all of those whose lives were personally affected by the senseless act of a bunch of kooks. I sit here and look at my son and am so thankful that his Daddy comes home and hugs him every single day. I feel the movement of a sweet new life in my belly and am thankful that his or her Daddy will hold them moments after birth. I am thankful that my Mom never got a phone call like that. I am thankful.
May God bless America.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
We know that the 'big' milestones are worth remembering, but what about the little milestones? Do you remember what day your child first said every single word in their vocabulary? I certainly do not. Do you remember when they first started using adult utensils? I sort of remember, maybe; OK, I don't know that one either. I can, however, tell you what day it was the very first time Kyle counted to '5' all on his own. It was Monday, Labor Day, the 7th of September, 2009.
We had just traveled back from Garden Valley and gotten everything pretty much put away. Kyle went to bed late, but since he had been in the car all day it was not a big deal. Larabee and I were out in the living room getting things ready for the next day when Larabee stopped me and indicated that I listen. Kyle was in bed counting to himself. I thought "how cute! That little turd just does not want to sleep!". Well, he has been able to count to 3 for some time, so it was no surprise when he got that far. Then we heard "four" and Larabee and I looked at each other with looks of astonishment on our faces. Then we heard "five" and we about fell off of the couch. He skipped six, said "seven, nine, eight, ten" and left it at that. Not too bad for a 20-month-old if you ask us! We are so proud of our little boy and his supreme intelligence, even if he was just using it as an excuse not to go to sleep.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Needless to say, if I am not on facebook enough or if I do not post to my blog often enough, this is why. My house IS still clean though, so that is something. And Kyle is fed and clean and does get to see the outside world every day. So far anyway.
Honestly, the first week back to school has been pretty much fine. I can see that there will be a lot more reading involved with online classes because, well, I am not sitting in a lecture hall for 3 hours a week. Lucky for me I am a great note-taker. Also, I have found some great study tools online that should really be useful for cramming for tests. Now I have to secure a proctor for my exams and try to plan out when to take my exams. Fortunately not all of the exams require a proctor. Yay! I do have a couple of people that would be happy to watch Kyle while I take tests, so that is a plus. As long as I can be an expert at time management I should be alright. If I start to slack Larabee is under strict instruction to kick my butt, even if I whine.
Wait. I never whine. Right guys?!?
And this is what I get to look forward to when I am done with my schoolwork........
Yeah. Exactly. *sigh*
Monday, August 17, 2009
We started out at the bouncy house, which is right up Kyle's alley. He loved the bouncy house and really liked getting to interact with the other kids.
After the bouncy house we went to the big bouncy slide. Well, in this case, climb. Kyle thought it was a great idea to climb up the slide........... and sort of slide down the ladder. Silly boy!And then it was time to go up to the big alpine slide. We all rode up the ski lift, Kyle and Daddy took a trip down the slide, and then they came back up on the ski lift again. I was terrified that Kyle would wiggle and fall. Looking at this picture STILL terrifies me. It makes them both look so small! And away they go! They are the ones one the left. Kyle loved it and would have gone all day long if we would have let him!After we got done riding the slides we decided to take a trip to the top of the mountain on the Tram. It is quite a ride since it takes you up about 3000 feet in less than 10 minutes. Kyle really enjoyed it! We could see all the way out into the valley from up there and it was so nice and cool that I was loving it. This was one the many beautiful views from the ride. Amazing that it is actually this pretty!Here are Kyle and Daddy getting ready to head back down the mountain. Kyle was so full of energy- he was so tired because we got up to Snowbird right about nap time. He was a very good boy though, thank goodness!We got down the mountain and noticed that all these people were setting up their...um...horns. It sounded cool, but was really really loud close up. I wanted to shout "RIIIIICCCCCCOOOOOOOLLLLLLLAAAAAA!"
Thursday, August 6, 2009
In this one I was about 7 1/2 weeks along. I felt fine, but was a bit tired.
This picture I am not proud of. This picture takes me back to when I was pregnant with Kyle. When I was pregnant with Kyle my Dad insisted, at my birthday dinner no less, that we should compare bellies. His was bigger. This time around I TRIED to look bigger, but he still had me beat. Pay no attention to my funny face, I was trying really hard! I was about 15 weeks along.
This is the point that I officially started taking 'belly' pictures. 14 weeks 5 days-18 weeks 4 days-20 weeks 5 days- 21 weeks 5 days-23 weeks 6 days- Oh baby, how you've grown! Over half way there and I cannot wait to meet you! I wonder if I will be bigger with you than I was with Kyle? We will see!
I went to Wal*Mart today to pick up a few necessities. Yes, necessities. Like yogurt for Larabee's lunch and laundry detergent. Necessities. I was good, I really was.
Then I left, made it almost on to the road, and I saw it. *SIGH*
A milkshake place. THE milkshake place. I have been craving a good, fresh-strawberry milkshake for a while now. I have, up to this point, been able to hold that craving at bay. Until today. *SIGH*
There it was, right on their menu. THICK milkshake made with fresh strawberries. I shelled out $3.00 for this puppy, but I shared with Kyle so I felt a little less guilty. Heck, I shared with BOTH of my kids. I can feel the guilt slipping away. It is like a weight off my shoulders. Sadly though, it is also like weight on my thighs. Oh well, craving satisfied. And boy was it good!
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Notice the cute animal fabric on the wall? Yeah, that was not supposed to *have* to be there. We have a window there which serves as an emergency escape route. Not the best thing when you have a little one sleeping there. I gave him 1 day to see if he could figure out how to open it. It took about 10 minutes. Off to Wal*Mart I went and I got them to give me a big empty box. I then went to the fabric section and found this piece of fleece on super-clearance, and low and behold, it was the perfect size. I got home, cut out the cardboard, attached the fleece, and secured it to the wall. It works great because it keeps him secure and it also blocks out light for naps and bedtime. That means that I get to sleep until 8, sometimes even 8:15. Not a bad trade for the $3.00 it cost for the fabric.
When I think of things like this it makes me feel very clever. It makes me glad to be me. It makes me wonder what I could do someday if I set my mind to it. I guess it also makes me my Mother's daughter. And Grandpa Joe (Larabee's Grandfather) would be proud of me too because, according to legend, the man could fix anything with bailing twine and a pocket knife. I strive to be like that, though I would likely be more into aesthetics than Grandpa Joe.
This lovely boy will sit and look at books for an hour straight. He will by-pass all the toys for the books. What a kid!
Monday, July 27, 2009
I am also fortunate enough to have a baby boy who is fantastic. He lights up my days with such joy and laughter that I am continuously shocked when he fills me with more joy than the day before. He is such a little man and my hope is that Larabee and I will raise him to be a fine, responsible, respectful, loving man. I want my someday-daughter-in-law to feel like the luckiest woman in the world on a daily basis, the same way Larabee makes me feel.
Brad Paisley has a song called "I thought I loved you then" that pretty much sums up, well, love. And so, to the wonderful men in my life, to you I say "What I can't see is how I'm ever gonna love you more.... but I've said that before."
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
I felt that way yesterday.
I had my first Doctors appointment for the belly baby yesterday and I was very excited to know that all was well. I knew I was likely close to 16 weeks and had knowingly put off going to the Dr waiting for GBI to switch to better insurance. I finally had to go in because I felt that if I waited any longer I would have the baby before going to the Dr.
My appointment was at 11:00 and I went in early, got all my paperwork filled out, and prayed that Kyle would not have a meltdown since the appointment was right at his nap time. I got to see the nurse practitioner, who was a very nice lady, and she went over everything, did the pap, and wanted to listen to the heartbeat. That is what i was waiting for. Well, she could not find the heartbeat. I am definitely heavier than I was with Kyle, so it is reasonable to say that my added fat was making it difficult. No biggie, right? So she took me to the ultrasound machine where she and another nurse practitioner proceeded to start the ultrasound. There was the baby. NO heartbeat, NO movement. Instant "OMG" from the NPs. They wanted to get me to the hospital to basically confirm what they 'knew'- the baby was dead. It hurts my heart just to write those words. Searing pain. Anyhow, they started talking to me about the different ways to 'deal' with the baby- D&C, give birth, etc. They just wrote off my child as if they were just saying "these things happen". Grr! They got me an appointment at 2:30 for the ultrasound at the hospital and I left the office thinking I would never see them again because you do not go to an OB if you are no longer pregnant.
I made it out of the office, out of the building, and most of the way to my car before I started sobbing. I do not like crying in front of people, especially people I do not know, but I could not hold it in any longer. I cried the whole way home, but thankfully Kyle fell asleep in the car so I was able to just put him in bed. I got a hold of Larabee and told him he needed to come home but I could not tell him over the phone why he needed to come home, so the poor guy drove home clueless. I feel really badly about that. I called Tiffany and my mom. I cannot even imagine how it was for them hearing that news. Larabee got home and I told him that they could not find a heartbeat and that the baby was not moving and I had to go to the hospital at 2:30. I did not know if I should leave him home with Kyle or if we should go and hope Kyle was good or what. He did not really want me going alone, even if it meant him waiting in the car to be able to drive me home. He is a good husband. So we put the sleeping Kyle back in the car and made our way to the hospital. I felt like I was on a death march. I felt like I was walking to the gallows, approaching the end. Going down a path that leads to pain and heartache, but you have to go, you have no choice.
How do you describe how it feels when you are going to the hospital so they can tell you your baby is dead? So they can tell you that the little life you were supposed to nurture and protect is no longer there. We already picked out names. I bought a little outfit. Kyle knows there is a baby in my belly. How do I tell everyone? How do I decide how to 'get rid' of our baby? Do we have an autopsy done to find out what happened or do we just blame it on the 'something was not viable' theory? Do we name the baby or just call it our angel baby? How does this happen at 16 weeks along? I know it happens, but why did it have to happen to me? Will I be able to go through another pregnancy? NO, if this is the end I am fine with just having Kyle. I cannot do this again. If it hurts this badly now, how badly is it going to hurt the day they do the procedure? How am I going to take care of Kyle when all I will want to do is cry? Will I finally know what depression feels like? How will Larabee handle all of this? How will I be able to be there for him when I will not be there for myself? Am I really as strong as I thought I was? All of these thoughts raced through my head and more on the 10 minute drive to the hospital. The car was filled with eerie silence. If I talked, I cried. If I was quiet, I could control it. This was the hardest thing I have ever faced in my life. Diesel spill be damned. That is property, those are things, that is money. All of that is NOTHING compared to a child, a little life, that is loved and wanted so badly.
We got to the hospital and parked, and Kyle woke up. He was in such a good mood, but he was everywhere! He had enough energy for all of us. I got checked in, got my paperwork, and headed back to radiology. It only took a few minutes to get into the room, but it felt like an eternity. I flipped through a magazine, but I honestly could not tell you what it was or what it was about. It was just me keeping busy.
We opted for Larabee to keep Kyle in the waiting room or take him outside to play so that he did not have to be there when Mommy lost it. I told Larabee that we would likely have to go back to the Dr's office to discuss where to go from there. Anyone who knows me knows I am an annoying optimist. I honestly did not expect to hear any news that I did not already know. All I wanted to know was how far along I was when it happened and hopefully what happened.
I laid on the table, mentally preparing myself. The ultrasound tech informed me that she was not allowed to tell me anything and that after she got the information she needed she would call the Dr and then I would speak to the Dr. Ok, so I will not even be able to know what is going on? That was frustrating.
Imagine my shock and awe when, after about 5 second of her looking at the baby, she said,"The baby is fine." I replied,"really??!?!?!?!?" and when she nodded I proceeded to bawl my eyes out. She turned on the monitor so I could see our little bean and there it was, moving, heartbeat, healthy, ALIVE! My baby was still alive. All of those decisions I thought I would have to make, all the pain I was prepared to endure, would not have to happen. Relief poured over me, my soul rejoiced, my heart sang. My prayers, as well as those of countless others (most of whom I do not know in person), we answered. Thank GOD! I could have flown to the moon, I felt so free of worry. Talk about a complete 180 from just hours ago.
We finished up, I spoke to the Dr, made an appointment for next Friday, and went out to find Larabee and Kyle. When I got to the car, he was there and I told him that the baby was fine. He was shocked and very happy. I called mom and Tiffany back and told them everything was fine. They were both overjoyed. When I got home I checked my e-mail and had over 50 messages from my message board friends. Before going to the hospital, while Larabee was in the shower, I wrote messages on the 4 message boards I go to asking for any and all prayers they could spare. I believe in the power of prayer and part of me wonders if that could have made all of the difference. Thank you to everyone who cared enough to send out a prayer or two. Thank you to the ultrasound tech that delivered the happiest news I never expected to hear. And thank you belly baby, for still being alive and healthy. You better not ever scare your Mama like that again!
Monday, June 15, 2009
Kyle loves fish. The aquarium has fish. Therefore, Kyle loves the aquarium. He got so excited when he got to run from one exhibit to the other saying,"FISH!FISH!"He does not, however, like the stingrays. They feel funny, sort of like a slick sponge. Kyle just was not into them. I do not blame him for a minute.He was very excited about the kids area. All the fish were at his level, he could run around like a crazy kid, and he just thought is was cool. "FISH!FISH"
And it did not hurt that they had tunnels to crawl through. What a face!