Wednesday, June 17, 2009
I felt that way yesterday.
I had my first Doctors appointment for the belly baby yesterday and I was very excited to know that all was well. I knew I was likely close to 16 weeks and had knowingly put off going to the Dr waiting for GBI to switch to better insurance. I finally had to go in because I felt that if I waited any longer I would have the baby before going to the Dr.
My appointment was at 11:00 and I went in early, got all my paperwork filled out, and prayed that Kyle would not have a meltdown since the appointment was right at his nap time. I got to see the nurse practitioner, who was a very nice lady, and she went over everything, did the pap, and wanted to listen to the heartbeat. That is what i was waiting for. Well, she could not find the heartbeat. I am definitely heavier than I was with Kyle, so it is reasonable to say that my added fat was making it difficult. No biggie, right? So she took me to the ultrasound machine where she and another nurse practitioner proceeded to start the ultrasound. There was the baby. NO heartbeat, NO movement. Instant "OMG" from the NPs. They wanted to get me to the hospital to basically confirm what they 'knew'- the baby was dead. It hurts my heart just to write those words. Searing pain. Anyhow, they started talking to me about the different ways to 'deal' with the baby- D&C, give birth, etc. They just wrote off my child as if they were just saying "these things happen". Grr! They got me an appointment at 2:30 for the ultrasound at the hospital and I left the office thinking I would never see them again because you do not go to an OB if you are no longer pregnant.
I made it out of the office, out of the building, and most of the way to my car before I started sobbing. I do not like crying in front of people, especially people I do not know, but I could not hold it in any longer. I cried the whole way home, but thankfully Kyle fell asleep in the car so I was able to just put him in bed. I got a hold of Larabee and told him he needed to come home but I could not tell him over the phone why he needed to come home, so the poor guy drove home clueless. I feel really badly about that. I called Tiffany and my mom. I cannot even imagine how it was for them hearing that news. Larabee got home and I told him that they could not find a heartbeat and that the baby was not moving and I had to go to the hospital at 2:30. I did not know if I should leave him home with Kyle or if we should go and hope Kyle was good or what. He did not really want me going alone, even if it meant him waiting in the car to be able to drive me home. He is a good husband. So we put the sleeping Kyle back in the car and made our way to the hospital. I felt like I was on a death march. I felt like I was walking to the gallows, approaching the end. Going down a path that leads to pain and heartache, but you have to go, you have no choice.
How do you describe how it feels when you are going to the hospital so they can tell you your baby is dead? So they can tell you that the little life you were supposed to nurture and protect is no longer there. We already picked out names. I bought a little outfit. Kyle knows there is a baby in my belly. How do I tell everyone? How do I decide how to 'get rid' of our baby? Do we have an autopsy done to find out what happened or do we just blame it on the 'something was not viable' theory? Do we name the baby or just call it our angel baby? How does this happen at 16 weeks along? I know it happens, but why did it have to happen to me? Will I be able to go through another pregnancy? NO, if this is the end I am fine with just having Kyle. I cannot do this again. If it hurts this badly now, how badly is it going to hurt the day they do the procedure? How am I going to take care of Kyle when all I will want to do is cry? Will I finally know what depression feels like? How will Larabee handle all of this? How will I be able to be there for him when I will not be there for myself? Am I really as strong as I thought I was? All of these thoughts raced through my head and more on the 10 minute drive to the hospital. The car was filled with eerie silence. If I talked, I cried. If I was quiet, I could control it. This was the hardest thing I have ever faced in my life. Diesel spill be damned. That is property, those are things, that is money. All of that is NOTHING compared to a child, a little life, that is loved and wanted so badly.
We got to the hospital and parked, and Kyle woke up. He was in such a good mood, but he was everywhere! He had enough energy for all of us. I got checked in, got my paperwork, and headed back to radiology. It only took a few minutes to get into the room, but it felt like an eternity. I flipped through a magazine, but I honestly could not tell you what it was or what it was about. It was just me keeping busy.
We opted for Larabee to keep Kyle in the waiting room or take him outside to play so that he did not have to be there when Mommy lost it. I told Larabee that we would likely have to go back to the Dr's office to discuss where to go from there. Anyone who knows me knows I am an annoying optimist. I honestly did not expect to hear any news that I did not already know. All I wanted to know was how far along I was when it happened and hopefully what happened.
I laid on the table, mentally preparing myself. The ultrasound tech informed me that she was not allowed to tell me anything and that after she got the information she needed she would call the Dr and then I would speak to the Dr. Ok, so I will not even be able to know what is going on? That was frustrating.
Imagine my shock and awe when, after about 5 second of her looking at the baby, she said,"The baby is fine." I replied,"really??!?!?!?!?" and when she nodded I proceeded to bawl my eyes out. She turned on the monitor so I could see our little bean and there it was, moving, heartbeat, healthy, ALIVE! My baby was still alive. All of those decisions I thought I would have to make, all the pain I was prepared to endure, would not have to happen. Relief poured over me, my soul rejoiced, my heart sang. My prayers, as well as those of countless others (most of whom I do not know in person), we answered. Thank GOD! I could have flown to the moon, I felt so free of worry. Talk about a complete 180 from just hours ago.
We finished up, I spoke to the Dr, made an appointment for next Friday, and went out to find Larabee and Kyle. When I got to the car, he was there and I told him that the baby was fine. He was shocked and very happy. I called mom and Tiffany back and told them everything was fine. They were both overjoyed. When I got home I checked my e-mail and had over 50 messages from my message board friends. Before going to the hospital, while Larabee was in the shower, I wrote messages on the 4 message boards I go to asking for any and all prayers they could spare. I believe in the power of prayer and part of me wonders if that could have made all of the difference. Thank you to everyone who cared enough to send out a prayer or two. Thank you to the ultrasound tech that delivered the happiest news I never expected to hear. And thank you belly baby, for still being alive and healthy. You better not ever scare your Mama like that again!
Monday, June 15, 2009
Kyle loves fish. The aquarium has fish. Therefore, Kyle loves the aquarium. He got so excited when he got to run from one exhibit to the other saying,"FISH!FISH!"He does not, however, like the stingrays. They feel funny, sort of like a slick sponge. Kyle just was not into them. I do not blame him for a minute.He was very excited about the kids area. All the fish were at his level, he could run around like a crazy kid, and he just thought is was cool. "FISH!FISH"
And it did not hurt that they had tunnels to crawl through. What a face!