An old friend

How do you express in words the feeling of seeing one of your oldest and dearest friends looking so poorly that you are overcome with shock? How do you muddle through the feelings of regret, sadness, fear, guilt, pain, and utter grief?


My (original) main man, Captain, is the same age as me: 25. That is getting up there in horse years. Most say that the life expectancy of a horse is between 20 and 30 years, so that puts this guy right in the thick of it.

To say the least, Cap did not winter very well. He lost a great deal of weight, which was not at all apparent until he began to shed his winter hair. If there is one thing this horse knows how to do, it is to grow hair. I swear he puffs up like a big brown marshmallow in the winter. His hair is so long that he is barely recognizable. Anyhow, once all of that hair began coming off it was obvious that he had lost more weight than he ever has in the past.

We took a weekend trip up to GV to visit the family a few weeks ago. Before we got there I had been warned that Cap did not look so good. I thought it was being blown out of proportion, but boy was I wrong. I had Kaleb with me when I went out to the field to see him. I got about 10 feet away from him and had to turn back. I was crying before I got out of the pasture. Old habits die hard: when I was graduating from high school the mere mention of selling this horse would start the water works, and I have never been overly emotional.

Reality hit.

I had a revelation.

My. Horse. Got. Old.

I was told long ago by our vet that he was so healthy that he could easily live into his 30's. I took that 'knowledge' for granted. I assumed that he would be around to teach our kids about horses. I assumed that he would never be anything but a stunning example of equine flesh. I guess that is what I got for assuming.

I set up an appointment to take him to the vet, an appointment that required me to drive back up to GV about 10 days later. I was taking him in to get his teeth floated. If you do not know what 'floating' a horses' teeth means, it is basically grinding them down with power tools. Horses, like rabbits, have teeth that never stop growing. Depending on how quickly they grow, how the horse eats, and the age of the horse, their teeth must be filed down to eliminate any sharp or overgrown edges. The purpose of this is to allow the teeth to properly grind the food, making the nutrients in the food available for absorption during the digestive process.

See how smart I just sounded. It is almost as if I intended to be a vet once upon a time or something.

Anyhow, his teeth did need floated. Fortunately for us, he still has all of his teeth and none are loose or rotted. That is excellent news, especially for his age. He is now on a super high calorie diet and will be until he gains back enough weight to be considered 'fat and sassy' again. He is definitely still sassy, but would only be considered fat in the world of high fashion super models.

I do not think that he minds getting a bucket full of grain and senior feed while all of the other horses salivated over the fence. I think that, in a cruel and twisted way, he rather enjoys their suffering. It is all part of being top dog.

I know for certain that this man of mine will be more maintenance than he ever has been, but that is fine by me. He was my best friend, my playmate, my babysitter, and my dream come true. He is the one horse I would trust around our kids and the one horse I am willing to exert the cost and effort of 'older horse maintenance' for. He was my world as a teenager. Nobody will ever convince me that a greater horse has ever existed.

Trigger does not hold a candle to my Captain.

Even from this angle.

How to keep a kid busy in the car

We had a long car ride back from Idaho today. About an hour away from home Kyle started to get sort of antsy. I had to do something, but what?!?

I decided to have him tell me what color the trucks were that we were passing on the freeway. That was great.

Next I decided that I would tell him I saw a truck that was a certain color and see if he could find it. That was even better.

Finally I decided that I would pick a color and tell him he had to find one truck that was that specific color before he could 'find' another truck that was a different color. He loved it!

Red, white, and blue are fairly easy to find: I am pretty sure the bulk of trucks on the road are one of these three colors. Green was moderately difficult. Orange, black, purple, yellow, and all the other colors out there were definitely the most difficult. We looked for an orange truck for over 10 minutes. The amazing thing about that 10 minute time-span? Kyle never forgot what color of truck he was looking for. He amused himself by naming off the other colors of trucks going by, so I thought he had forgotten what color we were looking for. No! When I asked him if he remembered he quickly said, "Orange!" Yay Kyle!

After he got a bit bored with the colors of trucks I started asking him to find random things, such as tractors. He would look around and say "is that a tractor? Noooo! That is a ____(<-insert whatever object he was talking about here)." It was so cute to listen to that I turned the radio off completely. He is such a little smartie!

Rekindled hobby...

So, Tiffany (Darn her) talked to me a bit about digiscrapping a few days ago. I told her that you could use GIMP, a free program, to do it.

"Yay" said Tiffany. "You can teach me."

*rolling on the floor laughing*

Considering the fact that I had not used the program to do much of anything in over a year I figured I should brush up on some stuff.

Well, all that did was reawaken my need to be creative.

Crap.

But here is what I did the other day. I tend to get too busy and make the pages too crowded, so I was trying for the opposite here.

What do you guys think?

This Boy of Ours

When this boy was born I was so full of love for him I thought my heart would burst.

When this boy turned a year old, I thought there was no way I could love more than I did at that point.

When this boy became a big brother with so much grace and joy, I was certain I loved him as much as a mother could love.

When this boy showed me what a great big brother he was capable of being, I figured my heart was as full as it could get.

When this boy looks at me, talks to me, hugs me, snuggles with me, or tells me he loves me, I am simply a goner.

Today I think I will never be able to love him more than I do today.

And then I will wake up tomorrow.

And I will love him more than I did today.

I guess that is what I get for thinking.

You're Gonna Be

Sometimes a song comes along that is a complete snapshot of your life, a song that simply had to be written specifically for you and the circumstances you are in. There are times that said song is not new, not trendy, and not one that you have heard lately. Sometimes you hear a song that you think is pretty or sweet, but it does not apply to your current situation so it is somewhat dismissed. I found one of those songs today.

Reba McEntire has a song called "You're Gonna Be", which is a heartfelt song from mother to her child, or even a father to his child. Having been blessed with the role of Mama twice now, I feel that this song says some of the things I want to be able to tell our boys. Songs can say things so much better than we can at times, and this is one of them. There is so much truth written in such a nice, neat package that I cannot help but love it. If you have never heard the song (which is beautiful by the way), here are the lyrics.

6 pounds and 9 ounces lookin' up at me
Like I have all the answers
I hope I have the ones you need
I've never really done this
Now I know what scared is.

Sometimes I'll protect you from everything that's wrong
Other times I'll let you just find out on your own
But that's when you'll be growin'
And the whole time I'll be knowin'

Chorus
You're gonna fly with every dream you chase
You're gonna cry, but know that that's okay
Sometimes life's not fair, but if you hang in there
You're gonna see that sometimes bad is good
We just have to believe things work out like they should
Life has no guarantees, but always loved by me
You're gonna be

I'm afraid you'll have to suffer
Through some of my mistakes
Lord knows I'll be trying to give you what it takes
What it takes to know the difference
Between getting by and livin'

C

Just reading these lyrics makes me want to cuddle with my babies. This makes me want to kiss them all over their precious faces. It makes me want to be the best Mama those boys could ever ask for, which makes me feel as if I am falling short every day. I suppose the only thing I can do is wake up tomorrow and strive to do the best I can do again, over and over.

It also makes me want 5 more babies, but that is a post for another day!

Parenting Class

Parenting is pretty much a trial and error process. We have hundreds upon hundreds of books, classes, television shows, and websites that can help us throughout the process. With all of that information we are either enlightened by a grand idea that will surly work for our child or completely and inexplicably confused beyond all dimension of reality. I know for me, it is usually that latter.

I know that there are parenting skills and styles that come with age, those that are fairly common sense, and those that you happen to stumble upon. There are, however, some things that you do not ever think you will have to learn in life, as a parent or otherwise.

Are you confused?

Do you think I am crazy?

Do you have no idea what I am talking about?

Well, let me give you a sample of the things I am talking about.

1. I never thought I would have to learn how to hold a 2 year old boy still while I used tweezers to get a small, round sticker out of his left nostril. WAY up inside of his left nostril.

2. I never thought I would need the skill to turn a slinky back into a slinky. 2 year old boys have an uncanny ability to turn a slinky into a twistyslinkeryknotteryroundishsortainaknotandIcannotfigureitout-y. Yeah, it is that fun. Especially when the boy is hovering so close that you do not know where you end and where he begins. No pressure Mama!

3. I never thought I would have long discussions regarding where poo goes. I never realized how the word poo can send a 2 year old boy into fits of giggles. Boys are, I swear, gross.

4. I never thought I would have to know how to continue nursing a baby while I take a 2 year old to the potty. That is a great skill to have, though one I would not attempt in public. Or private, unless absolutely necessary.

5. I never thought I would need to cross my legs to keep from peeing because my child just said the funniest thing I ever heard. The funny comment was emphasized by the fact that he said it with an entirely straight face, and was completely serious about it.

6. I never thought I would know how to function through an entire day on about 4 hours of sleep. Maybe I am not functioning, maybe I just 'am'. Food for thought. Very deep.

7. I never thought I would need to know how to be a matchbox car mechanic. Does anyone know where I can purchase a tiny little matchbox car garage, complete with all necessary micro-mini tools? I have a feeling that, with two boys, I might need to invest in one.

8. I never thought I would need to know how to wash dishes, usually a two-handed process, while holding a baby. Perhaps I should re-wash those dishes: surly I did not do an exemplary job. Oh well, we will just use them tonight and they will need washed again anyway.

9. Last, but not least, I never thought that my main goal at any time in my life would be to convince a 2 year old boy that pooping on the toilet would be the greatest gift he could ever give me. At this point, I would be fully willing to accept this gift as my Mother's Day gift. Please! I beg you!

Parenting is quite a journey, quite the learning experience, and quite the stressful endeavor.

Parenting is also a blessing, a joy, and the greatest purpose my life will ever have.

I cannot wait to learn more of those things I never thought I would have to know.

An Evening in the Park

Last night Wayne, Tiffany, and Livie went to the park with us. We were going to feed the ducks and play at the playground, as well as to give Mama some much needed exercise.


Kyle walked, so Livie wanted to walk too! It was a riot to watch these two.

See this big gnarly tree? They were playing peek-a-boo around it for a little while, which was adorable and hilarious. I love watching my little man grow up and learn new things, even if I want him to do it a bit slower now and then. Now, at this point in time I feel that they were likely conspiring against the parental units. Sort of a "you go this way, I will go that way, we meet back here at 2300 hours to reconvene. Ready, break." Or something like that. They probably realized that the Moms had pulled out the cameras and were discussing the best way to avoid having pictures taken. The little turkeys.

Part of me cannot wait until Kaleb is big enough to run after his big brother, but the rest of me is screaming "NO!" Since Kyle started walking at 10 months, Kaleb could easily be an early walker as well. If he starts at 10 months, that means I only have 5 months left until I have two walkers.

I better go buy some good, comfortable running shoes.

Or leashes.