My lovely and wonderful friend Tiffany just gave birth to her second child, their sweet baby boy Kaden Douglas James Fuller. He is a child that was longed for, fought for, prayed for, and probably bargained with God for. At no time in his life will he ever be able to think for one second that he is not wanted or loved. I cannot wait to meet him and, though I was not able to be at the birth, was thrilled to be on speakerphone at the time of his birth and able to hear his first cries! Ah, what a glorious sound! I am so thrilled that they were able to add to their family, no doubt about it!
Sitting here this evening I am, of course, haunted by baby fever. I have had baby fever for months and months. I desperately want another child and I feel our family is not complete. I am so thankful for our boys, they are my world. I am actually happy that they are both out of the baby stage because there is added freedom to having two children who can walk and talk. Kaleb, I feel, is in the beginning stages of wanting to potty train and I am thrilled. At the same time, I have always pictured my life with more children. Never did I ever, at any time, think that I would ‘only’ have two kids. I do not want to seem ungrateful at all, and I know I probably sound whiny and immature, but I do not care. We have talked about becoming involved in foster care when we move back to Idaho and I would still love to do that, but would we ever adopt any of those children? Would I be able to deal with the potential problems that could come from adopting a 2 year old who’s birth mother was a drug addict while pregnant with the child? Would I still feel and empty spot in my heart, the way I do now?
Larabee and I came to an agreement several months ago that if I could make $500 a month from home we could have another baby. I am into my third month of making well over $500 a month from home. When I brought it up with him I was shut down. He now says that the $500 a month has to be able to be sustained when we move back to Idaho. What?! That was never part of the deal! Sustainable, sure, but not “Unless you can count on it for 25 years it does not meet the requirements of our deal”. I feel like he threw down a challenge, I met (exceeded) the challenge, and then the deal was revoked. I feel as if he defaulted on our deal. He declared bankruptcy on our family’s future.
The economy is still in the crapper, there are very few jobs at home. Those that are available are seasonal to VERY seasonal. We both have good jobs here, we have the opportunity to stay here a few more years and build our savings significantly, and it just seems like the logical and practical thing to do. I know that we have been away from home for a long time and we both miss our house and North Idaho and our old lifestyle. I also know that he brought me to North Dakota and now I have a life here, Kyle is starting school here, my sister is having a baby, and I have very good friends. It was his decision to come here and I feel as if I did not have a say in that decision. Now, when decisions about the future need to be made, I feel as if I still have no say. I do not necessarily want to stay here but I certainly do not want to go home to poverty. I do not want to be ‘kid poor’, but I want one more child. Our children have nice clothes (almost exclusively purchased used, and Kaleb wears all of Kyle’s old clothes for the most part), they are well fed (home cooked meals, not take-out), and they are happy, healthy, and smart. I feel as if I am a pretty good mom and that Larabee is a pretty good Dad. I know he is not against more kids, just against the financial burden they can bring. Have I not proven that I am personally unwilling to spend more on the care of our children than is practical? Have I not struck out and gotten a job even though I have 2 children full time and a small business to run? Have I not shown that I am willing to go the extra mile to take care of what needs taken care of? How can such a big life decision be at his whim alone?
Why do I have to be such a whiner? Because it is something I want, something I am not going to un-want. I really doubt he or I would ever regret having another child once the child was here, but I know I would always regret NOT having another child. I really fear that I would eventually hold it against him in a very big way, even though I would try very hard not to. This is not a diamond ring I am talking about, this is not a fancy home, this is not a lavish vacation. I am taking about a living, breathing, loving reason for even being alive. It is not a passing desire, a fleeting wish that will blow in and out like the wind. Nope, it is here to stay. I certainly do not want to cause problems for us or our relationship, but in all honesty, his deal-breaking and backing out on something he agreed to without trepidation are causing problems of their own. The deal he made with me was agreed to under free will and I rose to the challenge, so sue me.
I am having a very hard time with this…..